Sweet and Not So Sweet Emotions

There's a substantial emotional aspect to sex and sexual relief. I've tried to politely write about that on CalifMichele in a piece called Sweet Emotion. See also Hypothesis, which is an idea I have from knowing men via Internet whom I never met in person, so I can unequivocally state their junk was not why.

There's also a piece called The Big O on The Genevieve Files that talks about that and one or more other pieces on that site pertinent to the topic. I'm not readily finding what I was hoping to also find and it may not exist because I have a long history publishing stuff and later redacting it.

I had several long distance relationships to men I never met in person. 

Navarre claimed to be descended from the prophet Mohammed and Persian royalty and once said his first language was a "local dialect" in a little village he grew up in. I think that combination of influences helped shape him into someone unusually talented at seeing people as whole people and relating to them via a metric of valuing human rights.

And he spent time in prison for his political activism and was likely involved in throwing the US out of Iran. My understanding is he would tell friends he was involved with "a nice American woman" and in Iran the words nice and American don't go together. We are Satan incarnate as far as most Iranians are concerned.

And I don't know if that captures what I'm trying to say about him, but knowing him restored something I didn't know I had lost because I never met him in the flesh and because he related so strongly to things like my identity and my subjective experience of life.

I didn't know -- I didn't understand the significance of the phrase sex object until I knew him and in the act of restoring something emotional in me I had this shocking epiphany that being treated like a sex object -- like a BODY to use whose mind and emotions were wholly irrelevant -- that's when I understood what it cost me to be molested and raped.

A LOT of people relate to emotions like a thing to manipulate and like at best a thrill ride to take. Much of the world seems oblivious to emotion as a memory file which research says it is and a means to make snap judgements informed by past experience because of that memory file summarizing your experiences and an important part of how we judge the world around us.

I also have a serious medical condition and I have a long history of experiencing high levels of anxiety as a side effect which is effectively garbage data or static interfering with properly judging what is going on. It introduces an element of FEELING like you need to be concerned and not knowing if you should trust that or disregard it.

So there's been a lot for me to deconstruct over the years.

If you were sexually assaulted or abused and you never had your feelings validated and you don't know how to feel your feelings, that's a big part of recovery.

Whatever you FEEL is NOT morally right or wrong.

Being ANGRY is NOT bad behavior. What you DO about it may be, but what you FEEL is morally neutral and victims frequently have all kinds of mixed feelings.

People ROUTINELY worry that they got raped "Because I must have secretly WANTED it and brought it on myself." 

NO. No amount of thinking "He's kind of cute!" beforehand is WHY some ASSHOLE assaulted you. He probably had no idea. And if he did, it's NOT reasonable justification for ASSAULT.

Some people feel it's evidence they are attractive and ABUSERS almost always try to make you believe it's because you are attractive "and too attractive to resist" and should feel flattered.

I was made to believe it was MY fault for being too pretty and that messed up my mind for a lot of years because women get enormous pressure to try to make themselves beautiful to be allowed to leave the house at all.

So it was a no win situation for me. I must try to be beautiful to get social approval and get hired or married etc. And also if I do, it's MY FAULT if some jackass assaults me.

Abusers practice DARVO and victim blaming is a big part of that. 

Reality: Some people just like RAPING people and they know they can't say that. 

So victims routinely have potential "positives" that get enmeshed with this HORRIBLE thing that happened and they don't know how to wash it off and separate the two.

Start here: Allow yourself to FEEL your feelings privately without telling anyone what they are. No one has a RIGHT to judge you and tell you you're having the wrong FEELING.

See also There's no such thing.

Angry, sad, flattered, relieved about something... whatever it is, it's a FEELING.

The word feeling can describe physical sensation or emotions and there's no clear bright line between the two. It may help to think of it like your body can experience pain or it can feel that you brushed up against something hot or cold. It's a sensory experience and feeling hot is not morally superior to feeling cold.

It's fine to sort your feelings and wonder WHY you feel a particular way and what that's means to you. And that's between you and you. You don't need to justify it to someone else or get them to understand it. If YOU understand it and can make your peace with it, that's sufficient.[1]

It's more than most people will ever do.

I believe the emotional component to orgasm gone wrong is probably a factor in porn addiction but I don't really have supporting evidence other than personal experiences I don't want to detail for safety reasons.

But porn tends to be Verboten or "dirty" stuff, like interracial relationships and barely legal girls. And I think it gets the wrong kind of emotional reaction to genuinely lead to satisfaction.

I think it sets up a positive feedback loop AKA vicious cycle where you need to keep pushing boundaries to get off.

If you find yourself experiencing that, figure out some other emotional hook and stop doing that to yourself.

Footnote 

[1] If you want to talk to a therapist or something to get help sorting it, there's nothing inherently wrong with that. Just keep in mind the goal should be constructive resolution of how you relate to you and your life NOT seeking their approval.

Talking to someone can be a good way to get a new perspective. That sometimes does wonders.

Just keep in mind that therapists are human and imperfect and this particular person may not be the person qualified to help you with this. If you aren't comfortable, STOP. 

First, do no harm.